Thursday, August 27, 2015

That time I did a cleanse...

Alright so, I have a massive confession to make, and that confession will also take up this entire post, and will be stupid long, so if you're looking ahead for something less idiotic, give up now.  I am doing a juice cleanse. As we speak. I'm judging myself as much as you are right now for partaking in this hippy vegan yoga bullshit, don't you worry. When I hear people dropping catchphrases such as "detox!", "recharge!", jumpstarting my diet!" and "getting rid of the toxins!" (like what are you eating normally, battery acid?), I'm always the first person in line to tell them they're dumb as rocks and then beat them in the face with a shoe.

But then of course one fateful night a few weeks ago, after my birthday/birthday week and days on end of subsisting on cake, beer and candy, I was feeling bloated and sorry for myself and magically decided I should embrace the thing I always told everyone else to stay the fuck away from because it's pointless and unhealthy: a massively overpriced and undercaloried juice cleanse. I impulsively purchased a 3-day cleanse on Groupon (from Jus by Julie... their tagline is "A Healthy Obsession".. which part of foregoing chewing and happiness for 3 days inspires obsession, I do not know).  $120 for 3 days including shipping, 6 juices per day, so that's not quite $7 per juice... either the price of kale has skyrocketed or they're printing money up in Jus-town. So anyway once that purchase was made, my cheapass was like, well now you've gotta go through with this shit. The only upside was that it would finally give me something to blog about other than that stupid surgery I keep yapping about.

I decided based on my gym schedule and what days I could probably most benefit from a lack of food, I'd do Wed/Thurs/Fri. Due to random commitments and plans I had to go to where whipping out a bottle of beet juice would be frowned upon, and working around their delivery schedule, I had to wait like 2.5 weeks from then to actually do the damn thing. For the record, they say you can order whenever and freeze the juices for up to 3 weeks for added flexibility, I was just too dumb and lazy to figure out thawing. So, I ordered it, then decided to actually stop being a fatass and eat healthy, so as it turned out I ate beautifully and nutritiously in the 2 weeks leading up to this cleanse, thereby negating the entire purpose of the cleanse. Thus, when the giant cooler-box of colorful liquid showed up at my office a couple weeks later, I was already like "fuck this shit, can I go back in time and un-order this, sincerely, Allison." I should have actually sent that email.

Wow, so many emotions and we haven't even started yet! The day before I actually started going through a spectrum of crazy thoughts that should be reserved for people about to go off to war, or battling terminal illness, not whiny basic bitches with a pornographic obsession for carbs. But alas, on Tuesday morning (1 day BC/Before Cleanse) I bounded out of bed and downstairs excited to make breakfast, then started getting legit sad thinking about how the following morning I would wake up and have nothing but a bottle of "Morning Glory" green crap waiting for me. Like 24 hours before the cleanse and I'm already getting preemptively depressed. Similarly, I spent most of that day bitching to the 3 friends I told I was doing the cleanse (the small handful that I figured would be less judgmental than I am about such things) how angsty I was about being stripped of my food and livelihood. Then, after I got home from the gym and planned to eat a sizable dinner as it would be the last solid food I'd get for the foreseeable future, I mostly lost my appetite. I mean not like real person loss of appetite, basically I still ate like 450 calories, but not the feast I was planning for and ended up a little light on my calories. So, just to reiterate, I was such a worked up nutjob about future non-eating that I inadvertently did more of it. Rough fucking start.

And it began. Quick background, you can have the following while cleansing: coffee (thank you baby jesus) with stevia (oh); green tea (nope); raw or steamed veggie greens (I'd rather just starve) and egg whites. Egg whites at least gave me hope, so I boiled a few eggs to keep at work if I needed to start gnawing on some whites, though out of stubbornness I intended to try to wait til at least day 2 for this. Sugar free gum is also a go so at least I'd have something to chew on other than munching  my fingers off to prevent me from going online and ordering a juice cleanse ever again.

Day 1
Upside is I got to sleep in an extra 25 minutes during the time I normally spend making and eating breakfast and reading Us Weekly.  Downside is I slept like crap and woke up tired and starving, not the power combo I was hoping for going into this thing. I made my coffee (black with stevia, not terrible) but waited til I got to work to dive in to the wonderful world of juicing.  OH and it was also weigh-in day, plus I wanted a before/after so I could at least see how many pounds of temporary water weight I violently shoved out of my digestive system.  Don't you fucking know I was down 2.6 pounds, a combination of actually having a good week and also being a few hundo calories below my target the night before.  The day you start a juice cleanse is not the day for an artificially dramatic loss.

Anyway, 8:20 a.m., first juice of the day... Morning Glory.  16 fluid ounces of "romaine, kale, spinach, apple, celery, banana, strawberry".  I went in thinking I wouldn't mind the green juices since I do green smoothies a lot and foolishly thought that was the same.  NOT SO.  My usual smoothies are sweet and taste like PB and banana and smiles.  This thing tasted like the inside of a sweaty hat.  I was legit plugging my nose, chugging as much of it as I could handle, then chasing with water.  BLEH.  I really thought the hard part of this would be hunger from lack of food, not that the juices would be so hard to get down.  The other juices seem more promising but now I'm worried.  I can't do 5 more like that.  The bright side is that it took my about 40 minutes to get through it, so if I have an iced coffee in a little bit the next course will be here before I know it.  Of course, if that one sucks, maybe that's not a good thing.  Current rating of how I feel about this godforsaken juice cleanse:  1/10

Round Dos.  11:15 a.m.. Spicy Pome Granate.  This one is master cleanse type shit, consisting of pomegranate, lemon, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper.  This is much better, though less substantial.  It's thin and not chunky like that last bastard MG, and although the backslap of cayenne at the end of each sip is a bit odd, I don't mind it.  It kind of feels fiery and fun, like it's waking me up.  Oh also, I had an iced coffee with stevia (and fine, a splash of milk) around 10:15, but I feel like so far I'm doing OK.  Between feeling a little nauseated and my lack of excitement for upcoming juices, I don't feel particularly hungry so that's a plus.  Mostly I'm a little mentally sad about not having any real meals to look forward to until Saturday more than anything else.  And my asshole friend keeps sending me pictures of cheesesteaks.  But this spicy pome is taking awhile to drink and quite lovely so it's a good experience.  Current mood:  Up to a 5/10, I feel better and less moody overall.

On to #3.  Almost 2 pm, later than I expected to last until for my "lunch" juice, but I went to Target at 1 and have not been too hungry, surprisingly.  This feels like a make or break juice because if I have another like the first one, I'm going to hate this shit forever.  Verdict is... not bad.  It's green, but this one is spinach, kale, pineapple, banana, mango.  I'd say the pineapple shines through the most though it's not quite as sweet and just slightly off.  And it has chunks in it, which I know it's supposed to because fiber and stuff, but every now and then it feels like I'm drinking hair.  But the taste is tolerable, I'm not chasing it with water, so that's a win. It must be the romaine and celery in the Morning Glory that is tanking it for me.  I miss the thought of food as before, but I'm not hungry, for now.  The taste of that one was just eh but it was easy to drink and the fact that I don't feel hungry or bitchy is a big plus.  Mood:  OK, we're up to a 6.5/10 because I'm not as miserable as expected thus far.

Drink 4 at 4:15.  I have to say I've been pleasantly surprised how not hard it has been to make it from one juice to the next without wanting to claw my eyes out.  I am a frequent eater, especially during work days, so the timing/number of juices mostly line up with the frequency of my normal meals and snacks but, of course, these are not normal meals and snacks, they're just bottled salad.  This drink is... Chia Berry.  Strawberries, chia seeds, lemon, pomegranate.  I'm cool with this one.  It's sweet and fruity, it has seeds (obviously) floating around but they're not bothersome.  I don't like this one as much as the Spicy Pome (my favorite so far) but it's in second place.  This one also feels more substantial so I'm hoping it holds me over til "dinner" (ugh, my life..) without too much dramz.  I did see some cookies in the kitchen and briefly debated having one them remembered oh right I'm cleansing.  That has happened a few times, the mental letdown, but honestly not terrible.  Current mood: 7.5/10.  

Time for dinner!  Hahaha just kidding, no dinner bitch, you get more juice.  At 7 I get my Choco-Nana which is chocolate, banana and strawberry.  And it is divine, but I drank it in what feels like 2 seconds.  I would probably prefer just chocolate and banana without the strawberry joining the party, but still very good.  I have one more to go and I'm not starving, though I was before drinking this one.  Mood:  8/10

Last one.. X-Treme Greens, 9 p.m.  Based on my experience with Morning Glory I had been fearing this one but like Sweet Spin it doesn't contain celery or romaine, and has lime, pineapple, orange and hemp seeds to go with kale and spinach.  Turns out to be quite delicious and tastes sweet and citrusy.  Fine way to end the evening.

OK it's now Thursday but I better go ahead and post this shit because it is out of control long.  And I still have 2 more days of tedious play-by-play on a review no one asked me to write because I need a life.  But anyway, my feelings after day 1:  surprisingly feeling aight, not hungry for the most part, not lightheaded, at times even chipper.  I'm not entirely sure I buy into the BS of cleansing highs but either way I am just glad I don't want to commit mass murder or anything so far.

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