I’m still anywhere between 25-40 pounds from my goal weight and I’m not set on any particular number- anywhere in that range would tuck me into the healthy weight bracket. Although I feel like I’m pretty healthy at my current weight and I’m in as good of shape as I’ve been in since early college, I know I could be a bit healthier at goal, and I know I’d be happier with the way I look at goal. I’m a vain bitch by nature. But at the same time, I don’t have a lot of serious complaints where I’m at now. Maybe that provides me with a bit less motivation to keep plugging away at WW, but maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world either.
In fairness, I should mention that I am very fortunate to never have been truly miserable with respect to my weight, even at my heaviest. I was definitely less pleased with that aspect of my life 100 pounds ago, I didn’t like the way I looked or felt, and pictures became an increasing disaster. But I still enjoyed my life and my weight didn’t severely take away from that. However, looking back to my starting weight this time around, I also realized that my reasons for wanting and needing to lose weight were less superficial than they normally have been in the past, and definitely less superficial than they are now.
Although I wasn’t experiencing any major health problems or at imminent risk of anything awful, I have to call a spade a spade and acknowledge the fact that I gained 114 pounds in 6 years and that is not healthy any way you slice it. I was wearing sizes I had never seen before and my shopping options were becoming limited. I remember sitting on a plane and realizing that there was not much seatbelt left and that if I gained more weight I’d need an extender. I rarely worked out and walking multiple flights of stairs at a time was a chore. I was increasingly experiencing acid reflux and indigestion symptoms and I had a solid year or so where I had this nagging cough and chest congestion with no particular cause that I imagine was at least somewhat weight/fitness-related. That’s not to say that vanity wasn’t still a huge factor in wanting to lose weight. There was no “lightbulb moment”, so to speak, but some unflattering pictures of me were at the forefront of my mind when I re-joined/re-committed to WW in February 2009.
My point is that, silly as it sounds, I feel extremely lucky to be back to a point where my weight is mostly just a vanity issue once again. My weight has always been up and down but up until 2005 or so it had never really been a major problem so much as a vanity-based annoyance. Yet back in high school and early college I sometimes let my dissatisfaction with my appearance snowball my weight into more drama and irritation than it probably required. It’s unfortunate that it took SO much weight gain to put things into perspective for me as far as what is truly important, but from here on out I will try not to take things for granted with my weight. In other words, embracing the fact that vanity and wanting to look hotter in a bathing suit are pretty good fuckin problems to have in the scheme of things!
Anyway, I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so introspective about things lately- maybe it’s somewhat New Years resolution-related. I hate resolutions and I sure-as-shit am not going to plan my year around losing x number of pounds, because that’s just inane. But I’d like to continue losing weight while also continuing to develop a healthy outlook towards weight and life. Last year I stopped weighing myself mid-week and have pretty much stuck to that faithfully for a year now. I would like to take more steps in the direction of making my weight and health a priority while also NOT making it a major focus in my life. I don’t want to know what I weigh on a daily basis just like I don’t want to spend a great deal of emotional energy based on where I’m at in my weight loss. I like writing this blog and I want to continue living a (usually) healthy lifestyle, but I also don’t want WW and weight loss to be such a huge part of my life- surely my life is more interesting than that!
I hope to re-read this post periodically throughout the year to see how I’m doing. I want to keep following WW but I hope to reach a point where I spend fewer hours a day thinking about it, and I will try to update about my mindset from here on out as much as I do about my weight and other shenanigans. Reaching my goal weight without being where I want to be about it mentally first is just going to spiral me through ongoing dissatisfaction that won’t change no matter how low the scale gets. So with that said, hope everyone has a wonderful New Year in which we can all achieve the resolutions we set out to accomplish.